0:00:00 - 0:00:22 I was just saying there, there are a whole lot of details. I'm trying not to get into here, things like biology and, and different research and all these other things. Uh We try to keep it shallow here for the sake of time. So um a man has a whole lot of uh presupposed duties in this equation. And the 0:00:22 - 0:00:42 less of a man, he is the less good, he is the less effectively he can love the church as Christ did because Christ's primary qualification was that he was perfect. He, he couldn't have done the things he did for the church, for the world. I don't, we don't have to use the word church here. It just derailed 0:00:41 - 0:01:11 some people. Um what the Lord does and did for uh the world. He could only do the difference between what he could do. What everyone else could do came from who he was versus who everyone else is not magically but, but through his character, through who he chose to be. So by choosing not to sin, he had 0:01:10 - 0:01:40 special capabilities that differed from everyone else and through how he chose to live his life, that's a deep well, um he had capabilities beyond what other people did. And if love is measured by suffering, uh if not actual suffering, willingness to suffer, then um Christ takes the cake, right? But 0:01:40 - 0:02:13 you have to have something to give. I if you are talking about sacrifice, the greatest sacrifice um is experienced or, or given by the people who have the most to give, that's just the way it is. Um All right. Um So if you can maintain as your transcendent goal, the benefit of the other person, it will 0:02:12 - 0:02:38 um clarify your priorities as far as what you're going to do because you'll know why you're doing it and your understanding of how things are is going to change over time. But that transcendent goal of maximizing benefit for your spouse that is going to um that's going to lead you through the particulars 0:02:37 - 0:03:05 because it's going to be different for every person in each situation. And so, um in the particular email I received, uh recently, the gentleman says that uh putting it into my own words, the divorce meter is tapping in the red, the little needle do do. He's, you know, his wife's getting upset because 0:03:04 - 0:03:26 his beliefs are changing and his actions are following his beliefs and uh she's getting a little upset. Well, the love and suffering thing stepping back for just a second, that that's true for men and women that what it looks like, it, it comes out differently and maybe we'll address that, but we'll 0:03:26 - 0:03:53 come back to it with men. So the divorce meter is tapping for this guy. And this happens with a lot of people, I've heard these stories, I've been through these things myself. So um a lot of times the com the, the complications in our life stem from life itself. But, but a lot of times um those complications 0:03:52 - 0:04:11 are artificial, they make things harder than they need to be and they're based on false ideas that we've picked up along the way. Someone told us were true and we believed them and you've got to be willing to look at these beliefs and throw out the ones that are garbage. And one of those garbage beliefs 0:04:10 - 0:04:40 is that men and women are meant to be, um, companions to each other in the sense of how every guy thinks of the word. Um, that, that's not sexual reference. I mean, I think guys tend to think of a companion as someone you can really lean on and who's gonna be there for you and, um, with you all the way 0:04:40 - 0:05:07 and, you know, like a buddy cop movie from the eighties or something. And that's just not how it is with the ladies. That's just not how relationships are gonna be romantic relationships. And, you know, Christ didn't love the church as his eighties buddy cop movie partner, right? Um, he loved the church 0:05:06 - 0:05:35 by becoming stronger and wiser and, uh, more righteous than the church and then turning around and sacrificing himself completely for the tiniest bit of progress in those people who incidentally killed him. And I don't know how to say it any more bluntly than that. As a man, you have a responsibility 0:05:33 - 0:05:58 to be like God and that's not in commanding others or you know, the disciples, Jesus disciples in Samaria. They, they got rejected and they said, hey, you want us to call down fire on these people like Elijah did with the priests. And Jesus said, you've been with me this whole time and you don't understand 0:05:57 - 0:06:22 why I'm here and what I'm doing. I didn't come to condemn people. They're already condemned. I came to save them. I came to, to help them be better, to help them be better off, not to make them worse off. So, um a lot of the challenges that I've seen and been through um with marriage for a man who's 0:06:22 - 0:06:46 trying to be like Jesus. The problem is that you're, you're treating others as you would like to be treated. And that sound should sound funny because we're told in the scriptures treat others as you'd like to be treated. Here's the problem folks just because something's good doesn't mean that people 0:06:46 - 0:07:12 are gonna want it and you have to operate at the interface of what is good and what is wanted, a part of preaching or loving people is helping them to want what is good. But wherever they are right now, as far as, so that's one mission is helping them to want what is good as far as giving them what is 0:07:12 - 0:07:31 good. You have to operate within the bounds that they set and you cannot change those bounds. It's not your choice. Your choice is doing what you can to help them see things differently. But that's one separate thing. But given their limitations that they set, they give you the window you can operate 0:07:31 - 0:08:00 in and that's all there is to it. And that's the same for men and women. So, so wives, you have to deal in the window. Your husband gives you as far as how you love him, right? Same thing for men to women. Most women are extremely security oriented. And what that means is if the changes that you're experiencing 0:07:59 - 0:08:28 in your life, uh touch something which they consider foundational in their lives, they are going to get very upset with you because you're messing with their security. So as, as an example, if you go through radical changes in your religious beliefs, you might be tempted to bring them along as your companion 0:08:27 - 0:08:49 , as your eighties, buddy cop movie guy, right? And the problem with that is they don't want to be that person. They don't want to be going through these radical changes with you. It's like you've made a business deal, you signed the contract and now you're changing the terms without their permission 0:08:48 - 0:09:08 , right? So they're gonna freak out and they kind of have a right to, that's the way things work and you're changing the deal, right? Because if you're willing to change something so dramatic as what you believe in religiously, how can they have confidence that you're not going to radically change your 0:09:08 - 0:09:26 marriage, right? The actual marriage and just say like, well, I'm divorcing you because why not? I've got all these other changes going on and they're not thinking that explicitly. But, but that's everything's oriented in this security pyramid and that's the level you're on. So everything on that floor 0:09:26 - 0:09:57 of the building is in question when you go up there, right? So, um what you need to do is be willing to sacrifice even more back off of that stuff. Stop leaning on your wife. Don't put that burden on her. You need to sort yourself out on a higher level so that your interface with her is not in any place 0:09:57 - 0:10:24 of insecurity. You have to be a rock because that's what she married you for. Um That's what you're meant to provide her with. The church. Doesn't look towards Christ as an ever changing entity. He doesn't change. He's the same. And um I'm not saying that you shouldn't change. What I'm saying is you 0:10:23 - 0:10:46 can't give them just, you know, just as it occurs, updates on your frame, what, what you're all about, you need to process all that stuff on your own. You can process it with other men. You know, other men can be your eighties, buddy, cop people. Um, but the, the, the real person that should be that 0:00:00 - 0:00:22 I was just saying there, there are a whole lot of details. I'm trying not to get into here, things like biology and, and different research and all these other things. Uh We try to keep it shallow here for the sake of time. So um a man has a whole lot of uh presupposed duties in this equation. And the 0:00:22 - 0:00:42 less of a man, he is the less good, he is the less effectively he can love the church as Christ did because Christ's primary qualification was that he was perfect. He, he couldn't have done the things he did for the church, for the world. I don't, we don't have to use the word church here. It just derailed 0:00:41 - 0:01:11 some people. Um what the Lord does and did for uh the world. He could only do the difference between what he could do. What everyone else could do came from who he was versus who everyone else is not magically but, but through his character, through who he chose to be. So by choosing not to sin, he had 0:01:10 - 0:01:40 special capabilities that differed from everyone else and through how he chose to live his life, that's a deep well, um he had capabilities beyond what other people did. And if love is measured by suffering, uh if not actual suffering, willingness to suffer, then um Christ takes the cake, right? But 0:01:40 - 0:02:13 you have to have something to give. I if you are talking about sacrifice, the greatest sacrifice um is experienced or, or given by the people who have the most to give, that's just the way it is. Um All right. Um So if you can maintain as your transcendent goal, the benefit of the other person, it will 0:02:12 - 0:02:38 um clarify your priorities as far as what you're going to do because you'll know why you're doing it and your understanding of how things are is going to change over time. But that transcendent goal of maximizing benefit for your spouse that is going to um that's going to lead you through the particulars 0:02:37 - 0:03:05 because it's going to be different for every person in each situation. And so, um in the particular email I received, uh recently, the gentleman says that uh putting it into my own words, the divorce meter is tapping in the red, the little needle do do. He's, you know, his wife's getting upset because 0:03:04 - 0:03:26 his beliefs are changing and his actions are following his beliefs and uh she's getting a little upset. Well, the love and suffering thing stepping back for just a second, that that's true for men and women that what it looks like, it, it comes out differently and maybe we'll address that, but we'll 0:03:26 - 0:03:53 come back to it with men. So the divorce meter is tapping for this guy. And this happens with a lot of people, I've heard these stories, I've been through these things myself. So um a lot of times the com the, the complications in our life stem from life itself. But, but a lot of times um those complications 0:03:52 - 0:04:11 are artificial, they make things harder than they need to be and they're based on false ideas that we've picked up along the way. Someone told us were true and we believed them and you've got to be willing to look at these beliefs and throw out the ones that are garbage. And one of those garbage beliefs 0:04:10 - 0:04:40 is that men and women are meant to be, um, companions to each other in the sense of how every guy thinks of the word. Um, that, that's not sexual reference. I mean, I think guys tend to think of a companion as someone you can really lean on and who's gonna be there for you and, um, with you all the way 0:04:40 - 0:05:07 and, you know, like a buddy cop movie from the eighties or something. And that's just not how it is with the ladies. That's just not how relationships are gonna be romantic relationships. And, you know, Christ didn't love the church as his eighties buddy cop movie partner, right? Um, he loved the church 0:05:06 - 0:05:35 by becoming stronger and wiser and, uh, more righteous than the church and then turning around and sacrificing himself completely for the tiniest bit of progress in those people who incidentally killed him. And I don't know how to say it any more bluntly than that. As a man, you have a responsibility 0:05:33 - 0:05:58 to be like God and that's not in commanding others or you know, the disciples, Jesus disciples in Samaria. They, they got rejected and they said, hey, you want us to call down fire on these people like Elijah did with the priests. And Jesus said, you've been with me this whole time and you don't understand 0:05:57 - 0:06:22 why I'm here and what I'm doing. I didn't come to condemn people. They're already condemned. I came to save them. I came to, to help them be better, to help them be better off, not to make them worse off. So, um a lot of the challenges that I've seen and been through um with marriage for a man who's 0:06:22 - 0:06:46 trying to be like Jesus. The problem is that you're, you're treating others as you would like to be treated. And that sound should sound funny because we're told in the scriptures treat others as you'd like to be treated. Here's the problem folks just because something's good doesn't mean that people 0:06:46 - 0:07:12 are gonna want it and you have to operate at the interface of what is good and what is wanted, a part of preaching or loving people is helping them to want what is good. But wherever they are right now, as far as, so that's one mission is helping them to want what is good as far as giving them what is 0:07:12 - 0:07:31 good. You have to operate within the bounds that they set and you cannot change those bounds. It's not your choice. Your choice is doing what you can to help them see things differently. But that's one separate thing. But given their limitations that they set, they give you the window you can operate 0:07:31 - 0:08:00 in and that's all there is to it. And that's the same for men and women. So, so wives, you have to deal in the window. Your husband gives you as far as how you love him, right? Same thing for men to women. Most women are extremely security oriented. And what that means is if the changes that you're experiencing 0:07:59 - 0:08:28 in your life, uh touch something which they consider foundational in their lives, they are going to get very upset with you because you're messing with their security. So as, as an example, if you go through radical changes in your religious beliefs, you might be tempted to bring them along as your companion 0:08:27 - 0:08:49 , as your eighties, buddy cop movie guy, right? And the problem with that is they don't want to be that person. They don't want to be going through these radical changes with you. It's like you've made a business deal, you signed the contract and now you're changing the terms without their permission 0:08:48 - 0:09:08 , right? So they're gonna freak out and they kind of have a right to, that's the way things work and you're changing the deal, right? Because if you're willing to change something so dramatic as what you believe in religiously, how can they have confidence that you're not going to radically change your 0:09:08 - 0:09:26 marriage, right? The actual marriage and just say like, well, I'm divorcing you because why not? I've got all these other changes going on and they're not thinking that explicitly. But, but that's everything's oriented in this security pyramid and that's the level you're on. So everything on that floor 0:09:26 - 0:09:57 of the building is in question when you go up there, right? So, um what you need to do is be willing to sacrifice even more back off of that stuff. Stop leaning on your wife. Don't put that burden on her. You need to sort yourself out on a higher level so that your interface with her is not in any place 0:09:57 - 0:10:24 of insecurity. You have to be a rock because that's what she married you for. Um That's what you're meant to provide her with. The church. Doesn't look towards Christ as an ever changing entity. He doesn't change. He's the same. And um I'm not saying that you shouldn't change. What I'm saying is you 0:10:23 - 0:10:46 can't give them just, you know, just as it occurs, updates on your frame, what, what you're all about, you need to process all that stuff on your own. You can process it with other men. You know, other men can be your eighties, buddy, cop people. Um, but the, the, the real person that should be that 0:10:46 - 0:10:54 person is Jesus. Not, not your buddies because they'll let you down. Um, anyway, you need to.