0:00:00 - 0:00:27 It's June 9th, 2023 and it's time to unload a set of thoughts and feelings that are on my mind and heart. This video is to celebrate my 14th anniversary with my wife Nikki and that officially occurs on June 20th. So you might be asking yourself, well, why are you putting a video of this on your public 0:00:26 - 0:01:01 channel and why are you doing this early? Um Let me explain and then we'll get into it. Um First off, I detest prescribed things. I don't like celebrating holidays on days just because someone said to, especially when that's for commercial reasons. Um I don't even like saying, um you know, to my kids 0:01:00 - 0:01:29 every Wednesday night, we're going to X because sometimes the spirit of that just isn't there. And I would like to do things that coordinate with the unseen, not things that operate on a schedule set by the world. Um I find it much easier to be sincere, not easier. Um I find there to be much more sincerity 0:01:28 - 0:01:58 in celebrating things when um I don't want to diminish this by saying when you're in the mood. But you know what I mean? When your spirit inclines towards something and it's all generated by the something and not a date on the wall. And so, uh I play the game with holidays that my family is into. Um 0:01:58 - 0:02:23 but the way that I reconcile these two things is that so for example, for birthdays, um typically I do not buy gifts for birthdays. What I do is I just go about my life and when I see something that I think someone would like or something that makes me think of them or whatever I will buy it and then 0:02:23 - 0:02:45 I will put it in a hidden place. And then when the prescribed holiday comes, I will gift it. And I've had gifts for years in advance before and I just open up my box and I choose the thing that I think is best fitting for now. And so that's what I do. And with this video, I've been thinking for some 0:02:44 - 0:03:10 time about how to best celebrate my anniversary with my wife. And uh I was praying and thinking about this uh as recently as yesterday and this morning as I was doing my work um for my, my ministry work um that could be called a billion different things. There's no good phrases for so many things in 0:03:10 - 0:03:31 this world, but uh in my dedicated interactions with God this morning, um this came up and it was time. So here we are. So I, I probably won't post this until June 20th. And I'm also toying with the idea in my head of not telling her and seeing how long it takes her to find it as a test to uh how often 0:03:30 - 0:04:02 she looks at my channel. But if I if don't tell her this is up just in case um leave that option open for me. Um So why make a video to my wife on this public venue? Well, you may or may not know this, but I absolutely hate um look at it, exhibitionism. I I do not like firing off missives or videos into 0:04:02 - 0:04:29 the world without a specific audience. Now, I've mentioned before how the actions of other people or situations they can change the correct application of principles that do not change. So it's kind of like fitting an overlay to a map. If you change the map, the best fit of the overlay is going to change 0:04:28 - 0:04:52 you, you could come up with a lot of analogies for that. But um the world is such that between the culture of people and the technology that it's available, that's both much easier and more socially acceptable and more likely to occur that people will share things to the four winds, even things that 0:04:52 - 0:05:15 were intended to be private. And so people get in hot water all the time for what they say in text messages that end up getting shared with people who don't have the context or um back story between two people and there are issues of confidentiality, like if you're speaking with a lawyer, um you might 0:05:14 - 0:05:39 say or not say things that you would be OK saying with other people or not saying with other people. Um and so on, right. That's, that's a very normal thing that happens both ways to, to filter things and also to um the modern situation uh of sharing things that weren't meant for other people. And so 0:05:38 - 0:06:04 the game board has changed, even though the rules haven't, the, the board has changed, the pieces are in different places. And so um part, this is interesting because it's part of the Malo, I guess, sorry for the French speakers, I don't speak French. Um But the, the, the milieu of the end times because 0:06:03 - 0:06:29 um well, just to make it very brief, there's this, there's this, this aspect of it, of the end times that's about sharing things that were never shared before. And um part of those things are that the limitation is that they've never been revealed before. And then a big part of it is that there were 0:06:29 - 0:06:51 rules in place. I shouldn't say rules, the pieces on the board were such that the rules prohibited them being shared publicly. And basically all of that's out the window as the water circles, the drain, so to speak. So, um I hate exhibitionism. However, there are certain benefits to sharing information 0:06:51 - 0:07:11 in this way when I make these videos one way I overcome my disgust for the idea of just ranting into the internet is um because I'd much rather have face to face conversations with people. But the downside of that, and one of the things that the end times enables in technology is a piece of this as is 0:07:11 - 0:07:39 the corroded um moors of culture where, where people are willing to break trust and share things that they don't have business sharing. Um I, I should say she don't have permission to share with others is um that the barriers of what would be impeded in a face to face conversation don't exist without 0:07:38 - 0:08:09 getting into huge details here. The fact is that the spirit interacts in and through all things with in and all with all things. Um And there are situations that boost the availability and transmission of the spirit and there are situations that impede that and the list of impediments is long. So I can 0:08:09 - 0:08:37 guarantee that in almost every case and there are exceptions, what I could say to you in a face to face conversation would be massively more limited to what I can say through this venue. Um And so that's one of the reasons that God tells me to do this. Um Or I should say what he explained to me in part 0:08:37 - 0:09:11 when I said that I didn't want to do this. So which is you ask why? Right? If you, if you want to do something, you don't have to know why you already have A Y if you don't have a Y you need a Y. Um So, um another piece of that point is, um, I really wish that iphones had Paws. Uh Tim Cook another piece 0:09:11 - 0:09:38 of that. Um That idea of public sharing is, well, maybe I'll come back to that. There was another piece of that, that was one piece, there was another piece, but I can't recall what it was. But there's another game board piece that has moved. That wasn't my decision that enables me to do what I would 0:09:38 - 0:09:59 not otherwise do in terms of publishing this video, uh which is not something that I would, I would do. I explained one reason is that it gives me the opportunity to make this days in advance. Um And then you say, well, why wouldn't you just say this face to face? Well, um one reason I wouldn't write 0:09:59 - 0:10:31 it is because uh my wife, like many people and many women, they have this like uh extra sensory perception of um they impute to words, meanings and moods that weren't necessarily there. So when a guy communicates particularly, um 90% plus of his meaning is in the words that he says, and the other 10% 0:10:30 - 0:00:00 is just because of inadequacy in choosing words, right? But uh women perceive a lot more, their brains are a lot better connected than men or whatever it is. I don't know. But that's what I've heard, um, their brains do, in fact have much more connection, many more connections than men. But, um, uh, 0:00:00 - 0:11:13 whether that's causal or not, who knows? I don't. Um, but however, it comes to be women have many more, um, emotional preceptors, we'll say, and when they're not being fed, they just kind of invent stuff to go in there. Right. And that's what detectors do. If you have, um, an imaging detector and you're 0:11:13 - 0:11:30 pointing it to some place with a low light, you get noise because that detector is gonna pick stuff up whether there's something there with meaning or not, right? And so if there isn't something to fill up the space, it gets filled up. So that's not a knock. It's just, you know, we're built with special 0:11:29 - 0:11:51 powers and capabilities and when we're in situations where they don't have application, it usually is, it causes detriment not benefit. Um That's like if you see a world class bodybuilder on a plane, he's gonna have issues because his shoulders take up both seats next to him, right? Um Anyway, so what's 0:11:51 - 0:12:10 good in one case, doesn't necessarily benefit in another. So, um rather than writing this, uh I would rather do it in a visual form. The other thing is I think there's huge benefit to having something recorded and you can replay it. So, uh if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, she can uh watch this as, as 0:12:10 - 0:12:36 often as she likes. Um or delete it and, and erase me. So, uh anyway, um if I get hit by a bus, that would really be a miracle because I don't go to where buses are. Um, well, I don't have plans to before June 20th. So, um that's another reason to make this. Ok. So why public, um the game piece moving 0:12:36 - 0:13:00 ? I don't know why but, 00, I was supposed to give you scriptural argument for this first. So there, there was a paralyzed person that was brought to Jesus and Jesus said, um your sins are forgiven you and for the circumstances of the event, that was precisely what he was going to do and that's all he 0:13:00 - 0:13:24 was going to do. But what happened was the pieces on the board moved because um when you have God's spirit and to the degree you do, you can actually read people's thoughts and uh you can feel what they're feeling, which is almost never a good thing. And it's a necessary thing and in that regard, it's 0:13:24 - 0:13:53 good because it leads to greater improvement than could otherwise be as all information tends to do. However, it doesn't feel good when you see, let's see when you feel how negatively people are responding to that, which is good. And it, it um it, it, well, I could keep going on about this but you end 0:13:53 - 0:14:20 up carrying the weight of their rejection or resistance of God or ignoring of God. Um So he said, well, if you've got a problem with that, watch this and he healed the guy and there are reasons for that, but the pieces moved. And so the application of the principle changed and I would not make a video 0:14:20 - 0:14:47 like this if it weren't for the practice of some set of people who for a long time have founded their place to say things about my wife and my relationship with my wife online. And these are people who, um, feel like they're in possession of a lot more information than they have. I don't even know who 0:14:47 - 0:15:17 they are because they operate under anonymous handles. But I don't know in my recollection of um the past who, who in that set of people could possibly have the information that they have. Um And furthermore, um the fact is that I've, this, this is a really ridiculous thing to say while putting private 0:15:17 - 0:15:43 thoughts on a public video, but it is true, believe it or not, the things that I share with you are the slightest piece of so much more. You have no idea. Right. In fact, um I'd say Nikki, uh my wife knows me better than any other person by far. And uh my mom is probably second place and she's like light 0:15:43 - 0:16:11 years away and the next person is like universe is away and, and the, the distinctions become so great that the specific people who hold the place become less and less significant. Um because the picture is just so tiny or out of date, people don't realize that um when you stand in the stream of God's 0:16:10 - 0:00:00 light, or I should say to the extent that you stand in the stream of God's light, he said, I make all things new. The closer you are to Him, the more you will find yourself feeling like every single day with him is contains more information and more improvement than all other days combined. Uh That, 0:00:00 - 0:17:05 that preceded it, which is crazy. That's an extremely exponential growth rate and exponentials are already extreme. So, you know, when people think that they know somebody because they, I don't know, we're in a group that went to a restaurant together 10 years ago or something and heard one sentence 0:17:04 - 0:17:29 from them. Um I mean, you don't know somebody from that, even, even a normal person where there's just really not that much to know um or what, what to, what there is to know about them could fit into a little bio. Uh God is a living stream of light and as we come to know Him, we become the same way 0:17:28 - 0:18:01 and the depth of character possible for a human being to have uh fully realized only in God. Um But that depth of character so far exceeds what the normal depth of character in normal people. Uh And it's Peredo distributed and you just, you can't have any idea what, what is possible except as you become 0:18:00 - 0:18:23 it yourself. Um, that, that's true across so many things that is a deep, deep principle anyway. So, but people have taken it upon themselves, people who lack the information to do so and accuracy, information and accuracy have taken upon themselves to promote their own anonymous. Uh, I don't know, cloud 0:18:22 - 0:18:49 attention um, by saying things about me or my wife from time to time online and, you know, I know that these things are out there just because people have pointed my attention to it. And every time they do, I say, I don't care, that's their problem. But um I have been uh collating things to say on that 0:18:49 - 0:19:17 note. And again, because the pieces are in place, the principle applies and I will say the following. So when Jesus, oh I just remembered the other, the other thing that's important about these videos when Jesus was opposed by people who had every right to know him better than they did every ability 0:19:17 - 0:19:45 to know him better than they did. But who chose to speak against even that, which they did know he said. And this is deep paraphrasing. So don't look for this quote. It's a, it's a um it's an amalgamation of several things he said, but he said in effect, say what you will about me. But whatever you do 0:19:45 - 0:20:17 don't contradict what the Holy Ghost tells you directly because I forgive you for what you say about me. But I don't have the authority to forgive you about what you say about my father, in essence, right? Or, or I don't have the authority to forgive what you contradict that the spirit tells you directly 0:20:16 - 0:20:48 . That's go with that one. That's, that's what I meant to say. I forgive you already for what you've said about me, but I do not have the authority to forgive you for contradicting what the Holy Ghost tells you directly. And so in that spirit, I tell you, say what you will about me because I do and I 0:20:48 - 0:21:23 always have and I always will immediately forgive you for it. But don't say things about my wife because I don't have authority to forgive you for that. And when you learn the truth, because all things will be revealed, we will both wish that you hadn't and I already do. But you'll join me in that for 0:21:23 - 0:00:00 the same reasons for many of, for as many of the same reasons as you can come to it that in that day because you won't be able to come to where I am and to know and feel the things that I do. The final reason I'm making this video with the ridiculously long preamble is that and how to compress this. 0:00:00 - 0:22:40 Um holiness is a mystery, how God is, is a mystery. It's a mystery we're here to advance in our solution of part of that mystery is learning that holiness is, it's learning to disentangle, the idea of holiness being some far off sterilized thing that's separate from life to learning to disentangle that 0:22:40 - 0:23:06 idea from because pieces of that are true and, and like sacred, the opposite of sacred is profane, profane means common. So what's holy is not common. It's different and better than what is common. But you see, it's nestled among and mixed into everything here because God's goodness is in and through 0:23:05 - 0:23:32 all things, all things testify of Christ, all things have light but they have different intensities and um formats of light. And if you want, it's not quite an analogy, it's closer than that. But if you want something to think about with that, think about like the color green versus all the other colors 0:23:32 - 0:24:01 of the rainbow. If you combine them, you get white light. So green light is not white light, but it's light and green light is in white light, but white light is not green. So um one of the solutions to this problem is the demonstration of Christ like attributes in a normal applications and in people 0:24:00 - 0:24:27 you think are normal and it's this weird mix of seeing their normality and their abnormality that helps people disentangle the sacred from the profane. I I it's not um you can demonstrate the sacred by going on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights and coming down and having your face glow. But there 0:24:26 - 0:25:05 are greater demonstrations because if you obtain that light or beyond or even something lesser. And you through your sacrifice can 10 um penetrate into the common situations in life. You will give a demonstration of holiness that's much more visible and whose worth is much more accessible with greater 0:25:04 - 0:25:36 accuracy to normal people. Then going up on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights and coming down with your face glowing, what a statement that is, it should give you pause and inspire reflection and uh seeking God to help unpack that further. And also to formulate the questions it answers, which are 0:25:36 - 0:26:00 of great value. Anyway, there's a reason that when there's a reason that Andrew and John were inspired to ask Jesus where he was dwelling and they weren't just satisfied with hearing what someone else said about him. Nor were they satisfied with merely looking at his speaking schedule and showing up 0:26:00 - 0:26:33 to the next event? They said, Lord, where are you dwelling? And he paused and he looked at them because he knew he knew the pain. He knew the possibility of pain that always comes with greater love. All love can be weaponized. OK? And then he decided, you know, it's the same thing he said to the guy 0:26:32 - 0:27:05 that said, Lord, if you will, you could heal me. And he paused and he said I will. So when he said uh when, when he did this with uh Andrew and John, he said, come and see and uh you know, he's putting his neck in the guillotine and hoping they didn't pull the chain knowing full well, that people are 0:27:05 - 0:27:34 trigger happy by nature. It's extraordinarily rare to find someone who won't pull the chain and it's never people from whom you have something to gain. I'm sorry, let me explain that better. The only people that won't pull the chain reliably are the people who are asking that you are asking where they 0:27:34 - 0:28:11 dwell Whenever someone says, come and see, they're putting the rope in your hands or chain, whatever the thing that makes the blade come down, it's impossible to love someone without giving them weapons to hurt you more than they can now. So some people would say that when they make videos on ministry 0:28:10 - 0:28:31 topics, they try to have polished sermons and there's a place for that and there's tremendous value in that just like your feet are very important to carry you from point A to point B. All parts of the body are necessary and all steps of the process are necessary and all wavelengths of light are necessary 0:28:30 - 0:28:59 , but there's green light and red light and blue light and there's white light and all the other colors and these all serve a different purpose. But you can't really know what Jesus is like if the only context you know him in is standing at a pulpit and preaching and there are facets of holiness that 0:28:59 - 0:29:34 are extremely valuable that consists in how he would tell a joke or if he would at all, how he would play with Children or if you would at all and all these little things that we dismiss as valueless toil in life or situational stuffing and there's no aspect of life that's not beneficial. It doesn't 0:29:34 - 0:30:00 have the potential to be beautiful, not one. And as that unlocks you find yourself in quite a pickle because you're inundated with value everywhere you look, you see it, you see God's love and his light and potential for more. You're at a loss as to what could possibly be done, to facilitate what could 0:30:00 - 0:30:21 be and you just have to make the most of it. And this is, you know, one of these aspects of holiness is that you would, if you meet someone who has a tremendous amount of light, you're not gonna find them giving you polished tidbits, the, the more you interact with them, the more of those interactions 0:30:21 - 0:30:46 you're gonna find to be rambling or disjoint or um having nothing to do with anything important. And you're gonna presume that the value in what they're saying is limited to these little nuggets that emit from time to time surrounded by filling. And that is not an indication of the lack of value in what 0:30:46 - 0:31:12 they're saying if these are people full of light because obviously you can ramble. A, a person can ramble and even a person full of flight can ramble. Although it's extremely rare actually, because whatever they consider is illuminated by the spirit of God within them and it emits light just like heated 0:31:11 - 0:31:40 metal shines. It, it glows, but in fact, it's just a manifestation of your own lack of awareness and correct value and advanced understanding and the disjoint nature of what they're saying. And I'll, I'll say more about this ironically, uh and books to come, the disjoint appearance of what they're saying 0:31:39 - 0:32:10 has more to do with the fact that there is an enormous quantity of information that they fluently access and that that is constantly billowing within them and they have to reduce it to human language, which is inherently static and limited and uh not just limited in meaning and relationship and value 0:32:09 - 0:32:44 , but also it's limited in the sense it requires time. But the spirit is not the realm of words, it's the realm of ideas. And that's why Jesus is called the word of God and not the words of God. There are words of eternal life, but eternal life is a word. And that word is Jesus Christ, not, not the words 0:32:43 - 0:33:09 Jesus and Christ, but his being his nature, his character, everything he is, it can't be reduced down to a set of words in any English language. That's why John ended his gospel by saying all the books in the world could not contain an adequate description of Jesus. You have to actually know him because 0:33:09 - 0:33:39 he's a continuous entity. It's a flow. It's never ending. And so it is with all to the extent that they approach and become like God. So rambly, people are not necessarily holy, but all holy people are rambly. This is very much connected to when both Moses and Enoch describe themselves as being slow 0:33:39 - 0:34:22 speech. They did not have a speech impediment, they spoke like I do. So there's a place for the polished snippets, but there's a quantity of light that cannot be contained in static representations. OK? Thus ends the preamble. Now let's move on to uh to the, the purpose of the video. Um So I'm gonna 0:34:21 - 0:34:56 just speak to Nikki here switching gears. Um So we've been married for 14 years and um yesterday, uh I told you I had a minute, I don't know if you remember because you'll see, you'll see this weeks from now, but I had a minute and I've been um I've been storing up pictures and videos. Uh You know how 0:34:55 - 0:35:21 much those mean to me. Um And you heard me at dinner yesterday talking to Brock about how uh a chunk of those were the, the pictures and videos that I downloaded off of Facebook when I delete my account, they give you that option. Um And I haven't, I haven't set aside the time but mostly the emotions 0:35:20 - 0:35:56 to go through that because um the years um particularly, you know, around or after 2017, it's, it's all just a blur to me, um because it was so intense and it continues to be more intense, but in much better ways. But there were, there were years there that were um really hard for me and um it's bittersweet 0:35:55 - 0:36:36 going over those pictures because um like we've had these discussions with the photo albums that they're so important to me because um um the passage of time informed by the spirit of God, it turns the bitter into sweet because it washes away the contemporary perception of these things being just burdens 0:36:36 - 0:37:02 in dark and whatever to, you know, you grow through that and the light comes in and you find the light in the dark and the greater the dark, the greater the light you see in him and then that shines on everything and it changes it like colors change between a poorly lit room and a lighter room. I knew 0:37:02 - 0:37:33 I was gonna get teary, actually, lots of toilet paper. So I don't have to sniff through this whole thing. So, so, you know, I've had a rough go of things and um but as I preliminarily sorted through those pictures for the first time yesterday, and this is like years off my phone too because I had to 0:37:33 - 0:37:57 clear space to make these videos. Um and also just chucked it in there to look at later. And uh as is often the case, we have these profound moments in the most regular settings. And I had these, I was running code and I had, like, it was a really dense block of things and I had just enough time that 0:37:56 - 0:38:18 it was useful for something, but not enough time that I could do anything big that, like everything I have to do for work is right now. So, um, I started going through these pictures. I like now it's time, let's do it, let's get something else done today. And, uh, as I went through those pictures and 0:38:18 - 0:38:36 they ranged from before we got married to when we were dating. And, um, you know, the engagement pictures were on there to because this wasn't, just, was on my phone and what was on Facebook. I also had some pictures from who knows where on there. And we're just, we're trying to get them all in one place 0:38:35 - 0:39:15 . But, um, it's easy, it's easy to think that, like, it's easy to squeeze down the richness of the past when it, when it, when it remains un unpacked in our memories, it's condensed. And, um, and, uh, actually unpacking all that stuff is like reliving it all in 14 years is, is kind of a long time and 0:39:15 - 0:39:50 the content of that. Oh, jeez. Sorry. Got toilet paper shards on me. Um, the content of those years, um, was, was, um, there's so much that, that we went through and, you know, individually and together and with the kids and it's funny, it's like, um, that book, uh, Ivan Ivanovich, or something by, I 0:39:50 - 0:40:08 think it's tolstoy. But that guy realized on his deathbed that he had inverted the value of everything and that the things that were, were seen the most fleeting and pointless and tedious ended up being the things that actually mattered and all the stuff he put all of his energy into didn't matter at 0:40:08 - 0:40:32 all. And as we live life, it seems like the tedium, the real tedium, the sweat of our brows stuff is what attracts all of our attention. And then in retrospect, we look back and we see through pictures and videos for me mostly. But, you know, memories too, we reflect and, you know, we noticed that the 0:40:31 - 0:41:29 kids are way taller than they used to be and uh that we're not gonna get another chance to hear the baby talk of this or that kid or, or to go back and say, or do things um in our present character instead of the person we were those years ago. And so it's bittersweet um because notwithstanding all that 0:41:28 - 0:41:56 , uh we, we have locked in those memories through there and because we tried to do not try, we did the best that we knew. Well, I can say that for myself. Um It's not my place to say that for you, but I guess to the extent that that's true, those are ours to keep forever because when we live, according 0:41:56 - 0:42:21 to all we know we save ourselves from, well, God saves us from because he, he shows us how to be in order to avoid retroactive revision of the past. And so we can't steal new information, can't steal our joy about the past because we sincerely did the best. Uh, we've lived according to the best that 0:42:21 - 0:43:01 we could see. And that part is sweet. It's the sweetest thing in this world. So, anyway, out of toilet paper, so maybe I should be less serious. Um I guess what I'm trying to say is, um, when I first met you, um I found your smoky gray eyes and your smile and, and your smoking body um, very attractive 0:43:00 - 0:43:34 . But, um, you know, it was, is the fact that you, I could see that the excitement in your life was focused on God that made you, uh more attractive to me than then physical qualities can contain or evoke I should say. And, uh I remember, you know, sitting there with you on dates and we just talk about 0:43:33 - 0:44:13 deep stuff and gospel stuff and, uh, and just feeling like, um, you coming into my life was a light shining, um, a, a real gift from God and I mean, it's not exactly true, but it's not an exaggeration to say we got truck coming that, uh, when we had our first date, the, the more we talked and everything 0:44:12 - 0:44:46 was just lining up with what God told me was coming uh, in a person who was so far from anyone that I had known, please hold that. Uh right there in the Olive Garden, it was like the, the clouds parted, the roof opened, the clouds parted and the angel sung. Uh and there were trumpets and stuff, the brass 0:44:46 - 0:45:22 kind, not the horn kind, the good ones, the good stuff. Um You know, since then I have seen the clouds parted and I have heard the heavenly choirs and the trumpet has sounded so loud and long that it's part of my DNA at this point. Um But I can't imagine coming to any of that without the experiences 0:45:21 - 0:46:08 that you and I have had together. And uh, now when I think about you, I don't think about you in terms of your uh smoky gray eyes or smoking body or smile, all of which you still have. Um But um it's there, it's there and I appreciate it. But um in the place of all that or I guess having far exceeded 0:46:07 - 0:46:43 anything that gave or could give me and value is all of the things that we've gone through together and the parts of ourselves that we share, uh I mean, that have grown together. Um cause cause uh I mean, you're, you've definitely become a part of me and uh it's funny because one of these folders is 0:46:43 - 0:47:11 everything before Nikki, right? And there's pictures there and um that's a different guy. It's called pre-marriage because everything before Nicky is a little long. But, um, you know, life was intense back then too. But part of, part of the ever increasing climb of intensity with each passing day is 0:47:11 - 0:47:43 that it's a, there begins to be a dissociation to things that came before because it's so much less than what came before anyway. One of the things that I know I've told you before, but I want to get here on video so you can play this when in doubt, check it out. Um You know, you asked me at least once 0:47:42 - 0:48:30 if I would ever leave you and I told you no. And you said why? And I said, because I chose you and you're the person that I choose. And um I think as much as we're meant to grow as individuals through our relationship with a spouse. Um uh I'm sorry, just, I came prepared but not prepared enough. How 0:48:30 - 0:48:58 much I care about you that I need a whole roll of toilet paper, not just a little piece when talking about a relationship. Um OK, so we're meant to grow and growing means like I just referred to that we make different choices differently and I look back and uh I don't have any regrets because I know 0:48:58 - 0:49:22 that who I was then I was doing what I could, but I still wish that um you know, I could go back and um do those things differently, better spend a little more quality time, not waste so much time on things. That turned out to not be important, even though I really thought that I was doing good things 0:49:22 - 0:49:42 at the time, you know, like remodeling that house, I guess you, you made that happen. So maybe it's not my fault. I told you it was a crack house and the only way we could sell it was if I worked like a dog the whole time. And I thought I had this romantic idea of it being like a fixer upper situation 0:49:42 - 0:50:07 because I was really dumb and didn't realize that little kids take all of your time and energy uh to take care of. And so that was gonna be me doing that while you ran interference on the babies. And uh I feel like that shaved some years off my life doing all that working 20 hours a week in addition 0:50:06 - 0:50:31 to my other two jobs for, for a few years uh with lots of stress because I had no idea how I was gonna come together if, if it would or if my back would last. But um yeah, so, so there are, there are things that I would have done differently knowing what I know now, like not getting a crack house that 0:50:30 - 0:00:00 needs to be remodeled um to end up making like $3 an hour on my work. Um for years. Um But I'm, I'm very grateful for the, for the time that we've had together. And uh you know, there have been times that things have been rough and times you probably would throw me out a window if you could lift me. 0:00:00 - 0:51:41 Um, in times maybe you thought I was gonna throw you out of window even though I never would. Um, maybe thought I wanted to. Um, there's some tough times and, um, but all of those things, all of those situations that were tough in my mind have just, they've, they've just moved over into the column of 0:51:40 - 0:52:09 the value uh of what you mean to me. So, um there's a quote that I'm sure I've shared with you from Tolstoy and I can't reproduce it. Exactly. And I'm gonna mingle too much of my own thoughts if I try to paraphrase it, but I'm giving credit because it's not my original thought. But the, the amplified 0:52:08 - 0:52:36 version in my humble opinion of this thought is he said something like I don't like using the word love because um when I do, people will reduce it down to what they mean when they say it. And you know, it's interesting because this is the, the bene, the pro and the con of language, human language words 0:52:36 - 0:53:05 is that words and phrases is that at once it provides a conduit to something greater, but it has the seeds of its own limitations within it because all definitions are static. If they're words, if they're beings like I said earlier in the preamble, it's continuous and the love that I have for you, it's 0:53:05 - 0:53:53 continuous and because it's modeled on the pattern of the love that God has for me, for all of us, it has no end and it has no limits. So I love you with all my heart. And I, I'm very grateful for your endurance with me because I know you feel like, II I shouldn't say I know you feel um you would be 0:53:53 - 0:54:17 perfectly justified in feeling like Thor from that one Marvel movie where he has to stand right in the, he opens that gate and he gets blasted by the sun so that he has to hold it open so I can ignite the door forge or whatever and make the, the new hammer. Um And you probably feel like that very often 0:54:16 - 0:54:49 because I just don't ever stop going. And uh I, I've told you before, I'm sure that's a lot to endure. Um But you're still here. So hopefully you're still here once this video publishes. Um Sorry, that's sorry, this is OK breaking. This is still for Nikki, but also for everybody on the preamble to continue 0:54:48 - 0:55:10 with this. One of the things that I love to do is because the whole holiness thing and like pushing things that people don't consider to be holy into that to show people. It's like when jesus' disciples ate the grain on the Sabbath or they didn't wash their hands. That was intentional. That was not the 0:55:10 - 0:55:28 hand washing thing was not something that just happened. That's what they were taught about and then they did it and it's because Jesus was trying to help people see that difference. But one thing I joke about is the divorce meter, right? And I talk about it like a radiation thing and it's like I joke 0:55:28 - 0:55:45 , I'm like, man, if I, if I get one more kind of farm animal divorce meter is just gonna go and my wife and I will laugh about that and like, especially conservative Christian types get like really uncomfortable because you never say the D word. You know, the other D word would be more appropriate to 0:55:45 - 0:56:13 say um you know, Democrat. But anyway, um sorry, I got a lot of stuff in my nose. Um Anyway, we'll, we'll close this out. We're in an hour. Uh I gotta get to work but um I thought about all the things that I could get you for our anniversary and I thought, or that we could do together and I thought about 0:56:13 - 0:56:35 taking you to a fancy restaurant and I was like, I don't know what thing you're not eating right now with your constantly changing dietary preferences. And besides that wouldn't do the trick. It wouldn't be enough to convey what I want to tell you or what I want you to know that I feel about you. And 0:56:35 - 0:56:54 I thought, well, I know we haven't played tennis in really long times. There really aren't any courts around here. And uh, maybe you'd enjoy that. And I thought, no, that wouldn't be enough either. Like we've, we've done that before and it wouldn't be adequate to capture something that's greater. And 0:56:54 - 0:57:13 I thought in a similar token I thought about it'd be fun to go take pictures because we've done that. We used to do that a lot when, when the kids were younger or not here. And, uh, that was always fun. But I wouldn't get the chance to really talk to you. I'd be looking through a camera or you would 0:57:13 - 0:57:32 be, and I'd just be standing there awkwardly. Well, we take turns standing there awkwardly and then there's time where you got a post process and, and none of us have time for that, neither of us. Uh, but we'd have to like process the pictures to get the memory. It's funny like digital cameras are supposed 0:57:32 - 0:57:52 to be this innovation. You gotta spend all this time and energy processing them and you get a better product, but you could just drop it off to get the old film processed. Um, anyway, so none of that cut the mustard. And I thought, well, um, maybe if I made this video, which unfortunately is also super 0:57:52 - 0:58:21 inadequate, um, maybe that would do a better job. I don't know, but I love you. I can't believe it's been 14 years on the one hand, I can't believe it fit into 14 years on the other. And, uh, I guess that's it.