Video Transcript

0:00:00 - 0:00:23 So, um after watching the, the video from the last version of this, I made, I decided it wasn't offensive enough. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna take another shot and see if I can reduce my subscriber count. Um Now, in actuality, this, this entire presentation is feedback to one comment from a brave man who

0:00:22 - 0:00:50 dared to bear his soul for which I commend you uh sincerely, I'm not being facetious. Um You know, it's a magical thing when a person doesn't matter the gender, when a person lives in open integrity and puts her heart on display, uh typically for the world to stomp on unfortunately. But uh one of my

0:00:50 - 0:01:10 favorite quotes is from Faust about this and it's a wonderful thing. So it's a, it's a great thing to be sincere and heartfelt. And so I appreciate you putting yourself out there with this comment and um I hope this is helpful, but even if it, if, if you don't find it valuable, I have a feeling there

0:01:10 - 0:00:00 will be at least a few people who do. So I appreciate you favoring me with uh your thoughts. OK. So I'm not gonna read this, but I chopped, I chopped up his comment. You can go see it on the other video if you want. Although he might delete, delete it after he sees this. Sorry. Um You can read this.

0:00:00 - 0:01:50 I'm not gonna read it to you. I agree with everything he said that I pasted onto this slide. I forgot quotations on the third bullet, but it's also a quote. Ok. But let's get into the nitty gritty the, the reason I made this video, um it, it's mostly because I'm procrastinating for what I need to be

0:01:50 - 0:02:12 doing right now. But um II, I will call it a warm up instead of procrastinating and then I won't feel guilty. So, um here's the thing. So I will read these. Uh So let me just read these. I don't want to settle for something that won't be an enduring love. Some of the most inspirational, intense and magical

0:02:11 - 0:02:33 feelings I've ever felt in my life came from crossing paths with really amazing women. I fear and I am discouraged by this that there are a lot of less than ideal marriages with love that fall short of being worth marrying over. So on the face, I've got no problem with any of these comments, but I can

0:02:33 - 0:02:56 see what's behind them. And so I'm gonna make some comments and I hope it's not an overreach, but whether it's true or not with the individual that made them is less important for our purposes than the um the Grist, it gives us to talk about some points that need to be talked about. And so I'm grateful

0:02:55 - 0:03:18 for the opportunity. So here I've interlaced those quotes with some thoughts on them and I think I got all of them. Um, ok, I don't want to settle for something that won't be an enduring love. Here's the hard truth, love is not a feeling, it's a choice, it's not something that happens to you. It's something

0:03:18 - 0:03:49 you do that is super, super important to understand if you're a man, why is it so important? Well, for one women are uh well, one person described it to me as saying, women are agents of chaos and you have to really uh caveat that strongly uh by explaining what is meant when someone says that, but they

0:03:49 - 0:04:14 are agents of change. They are changing creatures. There is no time in a woman's life where she stops changing and that is biologically driven. I believe it's also spiritual quality and like many things in creation, it is neither good nor bad. It can be used for either. Um If you don't wrap your head

0:04:14 - 0:04:36 around that you are in for nothing but a world of pain and honestly and sincerely, it would be better for you to never do anything with women ever again. At least, you know, relationship wise, emotionally intimate relationship wise, romantic relationship wise because they are creatures that are constantly

0:04:35 - 0:05:03 changing. And if you think that there's some process to vet them by w by, by which you can find one, it's going to stay the same way she is. When you meet her, you are a fool and you will be burned alive with the choices you make, uh, until you figure it out. Right? So, so foolish men choose women on

0:05:03 - 0:05:20 the assumption that they will always be as they are today. And foolish women choose men based on the assumption that they can change them into something other than what they are today. And both of those paths are equally stupid. Although I think women are more frequently successful to a greater degree

0:05:20 - 0:00:00 in that objective than men because there is nothing you can do when you meet a woman doesn't matter what age she is, she still has all these phases of life ahead of her where she will be a radically different person. And you can bet on that. That's why the choice is so much more difficult for a man,

0:00:00 - 0:06:04 a woman who's smart is gonna pick a man who is already the way she wants him to be. And that's almost always going to require that she picks a guy that's uh not 18 or 19 or 20 or 21. So the, the later in life you go, the more sure you can be that you're dealing with the person that you're going to have

0:06:04 - 0:06:26 for the rest of his life. Um The choice for the man is ridiculously difficult in the sense that, um, well, it's not even a question of difficulty. It's just impossibility. There is very little you can do as a man to optimize the search because the enduring qualities of a woman she's not gonna have yet

0:06:25 - 0:06:49 . She's not gonna develop those until she's around 42. And this is, it sounds ridiculously precise. Um, put a plus or minus on it if you'd like. But it is, is, it is strangely predictable. Um, that, that you really don't know what you've got in terms of wisdom until a woman hits her forties. And that's

0:06:49 - 0:07:09 not to say that they're dumb or something before that. That's not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying it's, it's insanely difficult for a woman to have the motivation to develop her character until her physical attractiveness starts to decline. And that's not just out an outward change but hormonally

0:07:07 - 0:07:31 how she feels her energy levels. Um, you know, the psychological effect of noticing that guys aren't staring at her all the time. Um, we're going after her even if she's married, you know, a, a married woman goes out to the store or something, uh, to, to the mall wherever and she, she notices guys heads

0:07:31 - 0:07:53 turning and when that starts to fade, there's a dramatic psychological change that happens. And then all of a sudden there's a very high motivation for, um, becoming more attractive in character qualities instead of physical qualities. So that's all a gross over simplification. But I'm just trying to

0:07:53 - 0:08:13 illustrate the fact that, you know, you, if you're, if you're, uh and I don't know if that's the case with this particular guy. But, you know, if you're ideal, statistically speaking, all men find 22 year old women more attractive. It's, it's a very tight distribution meaning that you do get people who

0:08:13 - 0:08:31 say, oh, well, I think, you know, there's some other ideal age and a lot of them are lying because they're simps and they're just trying to, to uh they, they're, they're still buying the illusion that saying what women want to hear will uh cater their favor, which is not true at all. Women don't respect

0:08:31 - 0:08:59 men who uh aren't genuine and who don't have a brain. Um But won't stand up to people that they disagree with. Um But anyway, um, so suppose we go with that. A 20 year old, 22 year old woman has nothing but significant change ahead of her. So, um, there are hormonal changes that drive all sorts of things

0:08:58 - 0:09:17 . There are also life changes. Um So obviously when, when you're married, things are different than when you're single. When you have kids, things are different than when you don't, when you have young kids versus older kids, when your kids leave the house. And um all along the way, there are all these

0:09:17 - 0:09:41 hormonal changes that fundamentally change a person's personality. Uh You've got, um uh obviously a change every month with the time of the period you've got a change. Uh, if a, if a lady gets pregnant, um, there are actually changes within pregnancy that are, that are substantial that you'll see personality

0:09:40 - 0:10:07 changes. Um, during nursing, things are different. Uh, after nursing, things are different. And, uh, then you've got pre menopause, menopause and post menopause and all of those things are radical changes to how a woman acts. So, um if you're basing your decision on how she makes you feel today, that's

0:10:07 - 0:10:27 pretty much the dumbest thing you could possibly do. So I'm not pulling punches here because however much it hurts for, for you to hear me say this, I promise you the hurt you will experience for not listening is way, way greater and uh you know, as much as you might not want to hear what I'm saying

0:10:26 - 0:10:46 , it's all the more important to say it. So, OK, next quote, but you, you've probably gotten a taste for how this is gonna go. So, feel free to stop watching any of you for whom this is too much. OK? Some of the most inspirational, intense and magical feelings I've ever felt in my life came from crossing

0:10:46 - 0:11:06 paths with really amazing women. OK. So it, you know, each of these quotes, like part of me, I couldn't agree more, right? Um So because like who, sorry, we totally skipped over a, a very important punch line in the previous point. But the point was, I don't want to settle for something that won't be

0:11:06 - 0:11:25 an enduring love. Yeah. Well, who would, who would choose that? But this is, you know, one of my married buddies married a long time. He's a good husband. He's a good father. He's a good man. That's why I talked to him. Um, so shout out, you know who you are. Uh, he just told me the other day, he said

0:11:25 - 0:11:44 , I think if most young men knew what marriage and fatherhood was like, there's no way they do it. And I agreed, I said, yeah, I mean, I think you'd be hard, you'd, you'd be hard off trying to find anyone who would sign up for that because the thing is, and I just made another video about this. Um this

0:11:44 - 0:00:00 idea. There's so many things in life that you can't understand the worth of until you experience them. This is one of the greatest benefits of the gospel is to give you reasons for doing things that there's no way you'd ever choose if you knew what you were getting into until you've already done it.

0:00:00 - 0:12:18 But looking back, you say, yeah, if I had any idea what this is really gonna be like before I learned all the other things along the way about value and worth in reality, there's no way I'd do this. So this is definitely one of them. This is probably the chief one among them because marriage and kids

0:12:17 - 0:12:41 are the gateway of everything else for a man to learn in life about service and love and sacrifice. It's marriage and kids are the gateway. Um So, and it's true for women too, by the way, it's like it's not accidental that God organized us the way he did. Uh You could go into that but whatever. Ok. So

0:12:40 - 0:13:03 the punch line on this point, it's real easy to convince a woman to leave you. It's very easy to do. And it's only easier today because they have all the incentives in the world to do it. So you just have to give them a little nudge and they're gone. It's easy to force a woman to leave you, but nothing

0:13:02 - 0:13:28 you can do will force a woman to keep loving you and you have to wrap your head around that if you're gonna walk down this road, especially today, you are choosing a path where you are fully recognizing that you're dealing with an unknown quantity that you will never be able to predict and uh upon whom

0:13:28 - 0:13:57 you have almost zero uh influence in, in terms of persuading her that she's, she's uh that you're worth keeping. We'll put it that way. You could have millions of dollars. You could be the most noble and virtuous man that's ever, you could be Jesus Christ walking the earth and she will still be tempted

0:13:56 - 0:14:18 to leave you at some point for something. And there's nothing you can do about it. So once you're resigned to that fact, it makes it a lot easier to realize that, that all you can do is be the best man you can and let go of this idea that you're going to be able to predict her behavior. Cause that's

0:14:18 - 0:14:47 like part of the whole point of, of uh the way we're designed is that you'll never be able to. So men and women each get a, an intimate sub sample of reality out of marriage. And it teaches them this uh this facet that they need to be introduced to. And for men, one of those facets is absolutely the

0:14:47 - 0:15:13 idea that reality is a constant flow of chaos. And you have to rise above that, you have to transcend the idea that things are fixed, predictable, controllable, that there's something you can do to protect yourself from hurt and you can't accept to rise above it. That's it. And that's a very intrinsic

0:15:12 - 0:15:37 message in the gospel, its core. Um So marriage is supposed to teach you that. So if your criteria for marriage is to find a woman where that is not going to be a factor, that's like saying, um I don't know, uh you wanna raise chickens and you don't wanna have to feed them or something. It's, it's just

0:15:36 - 0:15:55 like, well, what do you mean that they go together? Um You know, anyway, there are other analogies that are escaping me. OK? So let's get back to this. Some of the most inspirational, intense and magical feelings I've ever felt in my life came from crossing paths with really amazing women. I will go

0:15:55 - 0:16:24 even farther than this and say that the greatest joy, the greatest feelings you can ever feel in life if you're a man will come through the ideal marriage. And I, I worded that very carefully. So marriage has the potential to be the source of the greatest feelings you can feel as a man in life. Um That's

0:16:23 - 0:16:56 not true for a woman, for women, motherhood is that, that's, that's part of what I'm trying to say here is that you are not for your wife, what she is to you and she is not to you what you are to her. And you know, you can't evaluate or treat a woman as if she's a man in your relationship. And unfortunately

0:16:55 - 0:17:18 , one effect of, you know, I was raised by a single mom and a lot of other guys were in today's day and age. And one unfortunate effect of the feminization of society is that we are looking at things as if everyone were the same gender and they're not, there are differences and they're important and

0:17:18 - 0:17:38 it's not a greater than, less than question. It's just a difference. Like a giraffe and an eagle are two different things and a tree and a rock are two different things and they might work together on something, but that doesn't mean that they're interchangeable and when you treat different things interchangeably

0:17:38 - 0:18:02 bad things happen and everyone acts surprised and really they're just putting a neon sign on their forehead that they're idiots. Right? Because it's evident that these things are different. So, um, I would go even farther than this quote. But then I would also say that, um, again, love is a choice. It's

0:18:02 - 0:18:24 not a feeling. And if you, this is like, this goes way beyond relationships. If you orient your life based on how you feel here and now you are in for a world of unnecessary hurt and you absolutely positively will miss out on the greatest feelings that are possible to have in this life because pleasure

0:18:23 - 0:18:49 is a here and now thing, joy is not, joy is a long term optimal orientation. So, um that's the thing and I will go even further. I don't know even one of these really amazing women that you specifically are referencing with this quote. And yet I can promise you without a shadow of a doubt that if somehow

0:18:49 - 0:19:09 you could crank a lever and marry one of these ladies, she absolutely positively would disappoint you. If you gave it just a little time, it wouldn't even take that long. And those feelings that are super inspirational, intense and magical, they would fly away and they'd be replaced with really negative

0:19:09 - 0:19:33 things and maybe it would just be every once in a while but more likely you would find that everything you thought was love, which wasn't love, it was actually lust for this woman. Cause lust is about what you get and love is about what you give. Everything you thought was love for this woman would magically

0:19:32 - 0:19:55 end. And then you wouldn't have this enduring love quote unquote as you call it. And you'd say, oh well, I just picked the wrong woman. No, you became the wrong man where you never became the right man. It is very different, right? And so we've got to understand again and again and again, if you're a

0:19:55 - 0:20:20 man getting married is about what you give. It's not about what you get. So for a woman, it is about what she gets because she can get things out of marriage that she can't get anywhere else. Namely Children. For a man, you can get comparable things out of very many other things in life that you can

0:20:20 - 0:20:47 out of marriage. They're not the same, but you can fill your life as a man with things that you don't walk around saying man, I wish I had a wife and kids. Now, there are men who say that but um typically they're not divorced men who already had a wife and kids. A lot of divorced men say, yeah, I could

0:20:46 - 0:21:06 have gotten that in a different way and uh I was treated like garbage and that would probably wasn't the best thing for me. To do with my life. And I'm never gonna do it again. A lot of divorced guys say I will never do this again. Right? And there's a reason for that. And that's very important because

0:21:06 - 0:21:29 a man does not need marriage to be fulfilled. They are comparable substitutes, they're not equivalents, but they're comparable substitutes. There is no comparable substitute for marriage for a woman. That's the difference. That's one of many differences. And is this unpopular to say yeah, but it's true

0:21:28 - 0:21:53 . So who cares what people think? All right. So if you pick the right woman, you will have these inspirational, intense and magical feelings from time to time, especially in the beginning, they're mostly gonna be driven by things you see with your eyes and feel with your body. But the point is over time

0:21:52 - 0:22:16 that's gonna be replaced more and more. It's on a gradient with how you feel because of what you see her becoming and what you see her able to give to others and knowing it's uniquely because of your sacrifice for her. That's the difference. And I mean, get to this way, I'll just skip down to it. Now

0:22:16 - 0:22:43 at the bottom here, the value of a woman to a quality man. It's not in what she gives him. That isn't to say that what she gives him is worthless. It's extraordinarily valuable. It's extraordinarily valuable. But if she's wise, she's only gonna marry a man that gives her more than she gives him and that's

0:22:43 - 0:23:09 , that's just the way it is, right? So the other thing is that most of what she gives him is gonna fade over time and that's that you can't avoid that. So the value of a woman to quality man is what she will become and give to others because of what he gives her, it's a flow. So that's not something

0:23:09 - 0:23:37 he can fully control, but he certainly can limit it it through his own limitations. And he has the power to develop himself effectively so that the limit is not him, it's her choice. And that's the ideal. So a woman who ends up in a situation where she could become for herself and do more for others

0:23:37 - 0:24:00 because she's willing to. But she's limited in what her husband gives her. So like the box she's operating in is smaller because of what he gives her. That's an unhappy woman. That's an unfulfilled woman. And it's the guy's fault and it's her fault for choosing him, but it's a, he's, he's the limiting

0:23:59 - 0:24:29 factor. So, um, this idea of love that falls short of being worth marrying over. That's the quote. Well, as a man, once you make your choice, you've made your choice. And part of your masculinity is saying, look come hell or high water, I have made my choice. And so the choice has nothing to do with

0:24:29 - 0:24:51 what she does or doesn't do from that point on it's done and it's done because you say it's done. It's, that's you're willing to do whatever it takes to endure to the end on that. So, a love that falls short of being worth marrying over. Of course, there are things ahead of time that you need to evaluate

0:24:50 - 0:25:17 as a guy. But what are those things? This is what I'm saying right here. Whatever your choices are, as far as ladies you could choose, you have to pick the one that with you and because of you will become much more and give much more to others than she ever would be able to with another man that, that

0:25:16 - 0:25:35 , you know, she has access to and that would choose her, right? That's the equation that you're trying to solve. It's not which, which lady gives me the tingles for the longest and most intense, right? Just like for a woman, it's not which God gives me the tingles for the longest and, and most intense

0:25:35 - 0:26:02 . It's who is the guy who is the best guy that can stand me? That's the woman's equation. It's like what's the best man out there who will put up with me? And you have to put it that way because she should be reaching as far as she can, right? And for a man, it's what's the woman who, who's gonna have

0:26:02 - 0:26:26 the greatest Delta because of me, who she'll become and what she'll be able to do as a man. You're the river and she's the lake, right? So your job is to fill the lake and uh as she receives that water, she makes this place where all the animals can come and feed and the forest grows and there's like

0:26:26 - 0:26:47 , there's like layers and layers and layers of what she does because she takes what you provide, mixes it with what she provides and makes this beautiful thing that's better for everybody that, that it touches, right? And it, it radiates through like all these different manifestations and the world is

0:26:47 - 0:27:10 a better place. That's the point. OK. All right. So back to this uh magical feelings, I felt from crossing paths with really amazing women. So I already burst the bubble that they probably weren't really amazing women. They just seem that way in the moment. But um and by the way, that's easier and easier

0:27:10 - 0:27:30 to do for a lady, the less time she has to spend with you. So I'm not saying that women are deceitful and potentially wear masks, although many do and many are, it's not a female quality. The female quality though, which can't be helped is that obviously, and this is human. It's not feminine. People

0:27:30 - 0:27:56 are excited on dates. If they like the person, they'll get excited. And so when a guy is excited, um it doesn't usually lead to him putting on his best behavior. Uh It leads to other things when a woman's excited, she is gonna be at her best she will be most attractive. The, the more excited she is and

0:27:56 - 0:28:17 it's not a dishonest thing, right? But her feminine energy and everything she's doing, it's gonna be ideal when she's most excited. So let me ask you in a relationship. When is a woman most excited? First date, second date, maybe, third date. It's all downhill from there. And so maybe it stays stable

0:28:17 - 0:28:37 for a while, but it's all downhill after that because it's just not that exciting anymore. And then the, the next exciting thing is gonna be, oh, we're gonna get engaged. Oh, we're gonna go on a trip. Oh, we're gonna get married. And this is why women get so excited about marriage like the event. And

0:28:37 - 0:28:54 then it's like, well, I'm gonna have a baby or I'm gonna have another baby. But eventually if she's around for long enough or you're around for long enough, she's gonna run out of stuff to get excited about. And all of a sudden, like the only thing to look forward to is the first grandkid. And once you

0:28:54 - 0:29:13 got a couple of those, there's nothing. It's like, uh, what are you gonna get excited about moving into an old age home? It's, it's, the world begins to shrink. And this is a funny thing to watch with people, both men and women when their, their world starts receding because, um, it's a huge, it's like

0:29:13 - 0:29:32 when water levels drop in a reservoir and you see, like dead bodies and cars and stuff that they've been there forever and no one knew character qualities come out that were never exposed before because there was excitement or something to look forward to or health or energy or something that was covering

0:29:32 - 0:29:54 it. And so this can be an interesting time of life. Um And it happens way earlier for men or for women than it does men. Um But it happens much more radically for men um than it does women in some ways. So there's interesting stories about this and the shift from independence to, to dependence. But anyway

0:29:53 - 0:30:22 , um my point I want to make with this is any man who chooses a woman because of how she makes him feel quote unquote, is going to be really, really hurt quickly and often until he lets go of all of that, how a woman makes you feel as a man is something that's nice to have and you enjoy it. If it happens

0:30:22 - 0:30:42 when it happens, it's like the weather being really nice. There's really nothing you can do to cause it to occur, but enjoy it when you get it for sure and look forward to it, right? Because you don't know when the sun's gonna shine, but hopefully it will shine again some other time in the future. But

0:30:42 - 0:31:03 don't say like I will be happy when the sun is shining and when it's snowing, I will, you know, be depressed. That's, that's not cool. Right. That's not very masculine. So, a guy that has this attitude that he's gonna pick a woman based on how she makes him feel simply put, does not deserve a quality

0:31:02 - 0:31:25 woman and a wise woman, which is part of being a quality woman is having wisdom. She's not gonna choose a guy like that. It's gonna be like kryptonite. She's gonna run far in the other direction. All right. Second set, there's only two of these sets. This one's all about dating. If someone could have

0:31:25 - 0:31:47 an honorary doctorate in dating, I'd have like six. So this is all the more interesting because most of my dating occurred over a period of time. That was less than two years. It was an intense two years, folks. Um But I was in a few long term relationships uh outside of those years. Um And then, you

0:31:47 - 0:32:14 know, met my wife, but I think I went on more than 201st dates in two years or less. And so I have yet to meet anyone who's, who's beaten me in experience on this. They might exist. But, um, so I have an opinion on this. All right. So this quote, having a hard time finding love. Uh I never date because

0:32:13 - 0:32:32 I rarely meet single people that I feel an attraction more than just a visual attraction or, or a pool towards and I don't want empty dating. All right, here we go. I'm sure you're excited if you're still with me on this. You probably just busted out the popcorn and I'm glad to entertain folks. It's

0:32:31 - 0:32:50 like Gladiator. Are you not entertained? Um All right. As far as having a hard time finding love. So I don't know this person, right? They, I've seen a couple of comments here and there, whatever, but I don't know who this is. Right. So again, like if it applies, take it, if it doesn't, please don't

0:32:49 - 0:33:14 be offended. But if you are, you know, fine, um Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I love this quote and I love my father in law for first exposing me to it and it's in my little short quotes by other people file that I have of wisdom that I've held on to. I will tell you again

0:33:13 - 0:33:33 , this is like everything that's good dating advice is good advice for everything and anything that's good advice in anything else turns out it's probably good advice in dating too. But this principle, you can't predict what is going to have the biggest impact in your life ahead of time. It's the wackiest

0:33:32 - 0:33:57 thing about reality. It's actually super intentional and simple. But the principle is something like uh when you have to make the choice is probably the time where you have the least uh perception, the least accurate perception of it, the impact it's going to have. And this is why it's absolutely crucial

0:33:57 - 0:34:20 to understand that while God has empowered us to see what is best, he absolutely does not always give us even the slightest clue of by how much it's the best. This is why it's so pernicious to think it's ok to lie a little, to be a little dishonest, to be a little lazy to do just a little less than your

0:34:20 - 0:34:42 best or just to do it. Sometimes it has huge consequences that are enormous compared to what you'd expect if you meet a successful person and you can define that word. However you want, the principle will still hold and you ask them to reconstruct how they got to where they were. And you dig a little

0:34:41 - 0:35:02 and you try to figure out if those decisions that ended up being the ones that got them where they were, if they were the intentional uh focal point of their path. In other words, did they predict that there was gonna be those things that got them there? They will say no, it was this long shot or that

0:35:02 - 0:35:19 long shot or this thing that I did or that thing that I did that I never thought would turn out this way. And then you could ask them why they did it. And some will say, I just kind of had a feeling I needed to. But a lot will say, well, I mean, I could tell it was the right thing to do. I just had no

0:35:19 - 0:35:34 idea. How important it would be. And if you see people in disastrous situations and you ask them all the same questions, they'll say the same things. Well, they'll, they'll also say, I just had a feeling, it was the wrong kind of feeling. Right. But they'll say, well, I never thought it was gonna be

0:35:34 - 0:35:54 this big of a deal. It didn't cross my mind at the time. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't know by how much so the people that end up in that situation, if you say, would you do it again? They say no, absolutely not. The successful people will say, of course I would and they probably go out of their

0:35:54 - 0:00:00 way to try to help others do the same things now so that it's not so hidden for them and that's how much they value what they have. So sometimes you have to go on 200 dates to find one decent person and let me tell you going on 200 dates and finding 100 99 people and it wasn't that exact number, um,

0:00:00 - 0:36:43 to be so far from what you're looking for that, you think like you're experiencing a different species or something and that was back in the day, but this is 2000 and eight ish. And already I was seeing like, well, you know, I have a job, I'm making good money. I'm getting ready to buy my first house

0:36:42 - 0:37:03 . And so I'm looking for someone that wants to date to look for marriage. And, uh, it was extremely off putting for a lot of ladies and it was super obvious that they wanted to party, they wanted to work, they were not interested in families and it wasn't like, you know, first date. All right. So next

0:37:03 - 0:37:22 date we will be conceiving and the baby is gonna come nine months later. But, um, you know, it was pretty obvious what they were all about and they, they would make sure to pepper the conversation with things like, yeah, I worked really hard for my degree. So of course, I'm gonna work for a couple years

0:37:21 - 0:37:43 and they just wanted to kind of keep the guy at arm's length and let them know they were looking for emotional satisfaction, not a family. So my question is if you're dating at all, the first thing you have to ask yourself is what's it worth to you because we get to choose a problem, but we don't get

0:37:43 - 0:38:03 to pick the constraints. So the constraints on this problem are that the world is the way it is. And so if you're not willing to do what it takes to find a solution to the problem, given the constraints, you shouldn't even bother walking down that road because you're just gonna be frustrated. Um That's

0:38:03 - 0:38:25 good advice for the ladies too. This is a video for men, but, um, it's a hunting expedition. It's not a fishing expedition. And if you, you know, around where I live, there's a lot of people like to hunt for Elk and there's a lot of them here. I think they're more Elk in Montana than people. But, um

0:38:24 - 0:38:45 , they don't hang out in places where people do. So, you know, people will brag about walking seven miles into the mountains into the wilderness. Um, because that's where the elk are and then they shoot this monster and, uh, that's what they're all about. So it's worth it to them and they will be out

0:38:44 - 0:39:08 every single weekend during the hunting season, all weekend until they find that, that, uh elk that they're looking for. And so that's kind of what it's like and you have to go to where they are and it's work. And uh, yeah, so that's the way it is. Next. Quote, I never date because I rarely meet single

0:39:08 - 0:39:35 people that I feel an attraction more than just a visual attraction or a pull towards. Ok. So, like I said, like I, I empathize with all of these comments, but there's a deeper lesson here. So we gotta dig in terms of this attraction business, right? So, uh, my dad has not given me much advice in life

0:39:34 - 0:40:01 , but the things he has given me are extremely valuable and one piece of advice he gave me was don't be so worked up about everything you think this has to be and try to just have a good time sometimes. And, uh, if you know me at all, it probably cracked you up to hear that. Um, and I took his advice

0:40:00 - 0:40:23 and, um, it helped me learn how to play the game a little better. Um, so my wife will tell you actually that when we went on our first date, I, so we're in the Olive Garden. That was the first date. And I'll tell you it was like the clouds parted and a beam of light was shining on this beautiful woman

0:40:23 - 0:40:46 because I did have a list of qualities in my mind and it was a revelatory list. I worked with God to come up with what I ought to be looking for. Something was very intentional about and just in natural conversations, like every single one of these things, she voluntarily kind of confessed in a way um

0:40:45 - 0:41:09 without trying to. But I had learned enough by then that I understood women enough that you can never show your actual interest level because they interpret it as weakness or creepy or whatever. You gotta play the game. And again, you don't get to choose the rules. You just have to play it to win. You

0:41:09 - 0:41:32 can decide I was at research conference once this is round table discussion I was part of. And this guy started railing against the way this one funding agency requires you to construct your proposals. And he went on forever. If anyone knows what that's like, it's me. Right. Um Takes one to know one

0:41:31 - 0:41:56 . So when he was all done, they opened the, the table for comments. So I raised my hand and I said, let me ask you a question, what do you care more about the money that they're going to give you or the proposal format that they require you to write it in? And like the whole room went silent and he was

0:41:56 - 0:42:13 really butt hurt about it. And I said, but seriously, man, if what you want is the money, which is obviously what you want, just do what, you know, they want you to do. And once you get the money, you can do the good things that you're really passionate about. But you gotta jump through the hoops, you

0:42:13 - 0:42:38 don't get to fight the system and dictate how the hoops are structured, just go get the money and then do your, your thing. And, uh, anyway, so that's what this is like. And so, so I withheld how happy I was to have met this lady and the fact that I was quite sure that if she let me, I was gonna marry

0:42:38 - 0:43:00 her and, um, it might seem ridiculous to have decided this at the conclusion of a first date at the Olive Garden. But, um, I guess it's less ridiculous if you realized that, like I said, I'd been on 201st dates and several long term relationships and I knew what was out there and how different. This

0:43:00 - 0:43:26 woman was from all that. And so, um, anyway, I had hidden this sufficiently that she was dead, shocked when I asked her out again. And later she said, uh, I, she really didn't think that I was into her at all. Like she thought there was one and done. So, um, anyway, when it comes to the attraction, right

0:43:26 - 0:43:54 ? I, I have a friend, had a friend, we, we kind of fell out um which isn't an uncommon thing in my life. Um But he um had this saying which was uh I'm not gonna struggle to have babies with her, that was his attraction threshold. And I think that's beautiful. So, um you know, there's a limit because

0:43:53 - 0:44:15 you're gonna have some struggles if, if uh you know, that's a real issue for you. But, and I like I get this on a very deep level because, because, you know, I don't know what you mean by this. I can assume that you mean what most guys would mean when they would say this. But I also recognize that this

0:44:14 - 0:44:51 exists on a massively deeper level because, and now I'm gonna switch gears because I'm not talking about romantic attraction alone in what I'm about to say when the Lord opens your eyes. Um I can say this in a better way as the Lord expands your awareness, you can develop an ability to feel beyond how

0:44:50 - 0:45:20 you would use that word with, with normal language. And this uh includes an intensity. Uh So, but also in the range because it's, it's not just positive things, you feel negative things more, but also um contextually in more situations, right? In the way I've described it in a conversation with one person

0:45:19 - 0:45:41 . It's like that movie, Unbreakable. So Bruce Willis is this normal person, but the whole spin on the movie is, is like, what would superheroes be like if they were normal people? And uh his talent, I guess is, is that which he didn't even really know he had until a guide appears and sort of helps him

0:45:40 - 0:46:04 realize what he's had and then develop it. But he has an ability to get these flashes of like mini visions of what's going on in their lives when, when he touches them and he's a security guard. So at one point in the movie, when he realizes explicitly that this is this thing that he's always had, he

0:46:04 - 0:46:30 goes and he stands in a crowd with his hands down but out and then like, he's keeps seeing these vignettes of these people's lives as they walk by and just kind of brush past him because it's a crowded place. And um, it's not like that, but it's like that. So you can actually, so spirit is a field. I'm

0:46:30 - 0:46:52 sorry, like I'm going real deep real quick here. But um it's a field just like magnetism, you know, because energy and light and all these things they're, they're, they're physical things. Right. And spirit is a physical thing just works slightly differently than what we're used to, but it's a field

0:46:52 - 0:47:13 and it radiates out from people and I've spoken about this before, I'll, I'll speak more about it at some future point. But you can, the Lord can develop you in such a way that you can feel or even see this in people. I know that there's a lot of ideas out there that, that I certainly don't subscribe

0:47:13 - 0:47:34 to and I'm not sure are very beneficial, might be outright detrimental relating to things like seeing auras or, you know, energy, this or whatever, I'm keeping this really specific. I'm talking about a really specific thing, but I will say where there's smoke, there's fire, right? And one thing about

0:47:34 - 0:47:57 signal is that it's always accompanied by noise, the greater the signal, the more the noise and its clustered around it. So um we have a tendency that when we see things that are clearly counterfeits, we presume that the entire topic is therefore invalid. And that's ridiculous. I mean, that's if you

0:47:57 - 0:48:19 apply that standard to the New Testament, you would have rejected Christ because they were false Christ, a lot of them, right? But uh having a false something does not imply that that something is always false. If anything, it applies, that there is a real thing somewhere around that and you ought to

0:48:18 - 0:48:48 open your eyes rather than squinting them tighter anyway. I'm sorry, that that was so long winded. But my point is there is a kind of attraction and pool that far exceeds common experience and it even exceeds romantic bounds. The entire reason I was baptized and got to know the Lord in the first place

0:48:47 - 0:49:11 was because as a heathen and I, I'm like, comically using the word, I was as far from God as you could be in terms of what, you know, I wasn't thinking about God. I wasn't raised religious. I wasn't, I had never read the scriptures, you know. And um and yeah, and I was like the furthest place you'd expect

0:49:11 - 0:49:30 someone to care about any of that. A basic training in the army. And I had explicitly adopted this idea that I was absolutely not going to make friends with anyone there because that just means more push ups. It's like jail. You wanna be the mysterious tough guy and then people don't mess with you. So

0:49:29 - 0:49:53 , and yet I saw this guy and I had an instant pull towards him that was like a magnet. And it's the weirdest, like I've never felt that I had never felt that before and it was the spirit and I somehow knew that not that I could describe it that way, but like somehow my being was pulled towards this and

0:49:52 - 0:50:23 it wasn't compulsion, it was desire. So since then, this is something that the Lord's developed in me and I can meet someone, male or female, young or old. It doesn't matter. And I see the light inside their soul. I feel it and it's on a gradient, but it's one of the most delightful things in my life

0:50:22 - 0:50:51 because it reminds me of heaven and it's beautiful. Ok. So that's the sweet. Now, let's go with the sour. All that being said, what you're probably talking about with attraction and pool. You need to understand that. So he said he was 34. You are very much in the decline of youthful testosterone. So

0:50:51 - 0:51:18 for us guys, it's not a cliff, you don't hit the cliff until your late fifties or so. But um what most guys would mean when they say attraction and pull is really just what's driven by your body's reaction to testosterone mixed with your thoughts. And um that is only going to fade. So hormonal changes

0:51:17 - 0:51:49 happen in men and they tend to be a much more positive situation than with women. Um But they do occur and um they shift your motivation. So your drive does decline uh in the in the most general sense or can at least if it hasn't been replaced from a feelings based mechanism, like impulse to a thought

0:51:49 - 0:52:16 based mechanism. So, um that can be mitigated and directed and be a good thing. But one thing that happens, whether you like it or not is that the sort of attraction you had for women when you're young, it starts to change and fade. And this is a real issue with society today because as guys wait longer

0:52:15 - 0:52:43 to get married, they have way fewer reasons to do so. So to put it bluntly, young men are dumb men and they are motivated primarily by sex drive. If girls are promiscuous, they have no reason to get married to get what they want. As they get older, they're even less likely to get married because now

0:52:42 - 0:53:05 , not only do they have no reason to get married and they've gained all this uh firsthand experience of seeing how that wrecked people's uh uh guys lives. Um to add to that, they um are way less interested in women than they used to be because all they were interested in are the things that we've been

0:53:05 - 0:53:33 talking about for the last while. And so when that becomes less interesting guys in this situation, don't really have anything to gain from that. And so, I mean, you mix in uh porn and only fans and uh soon to be sex robots and it's a cocktail of a disastrous situation. Um four average and below average

0:53:33 - 0:54:00 men. OK. So that there's that. So again, if you're governing, if your guiding star is the attraction you feel towards a woman visually or uh even like as a field, if you believe in such things, like if you're in her presence, you feel this, this pool, uh which can totally happen, it can totally be a

0:54:00 - 0:54:24 real thing and it could be amazing. Um, then, um, it's just gonna get worse like that if, if you're finding that that's not the case in many situations, you should probably either let go of the idea of getting married and having kids or you should probably drop that as a criteria and think, like my dad

0:54:24 - 0:54:45 told me, uh, just, just try to have some fun and you could see that maybe that will develop in time because not everyone's best qualities are visible when you look at them for the first time. In fact, the highest quality people get better, the more you know them. And not because you overlook the fact

0:54:44 - 0:55:06 that, you know, they're repulsively ugly or something. Um, but I think of, you know, one repulsively ugly person, Winston Churchill, uh, coincidentally. Um, but a close friend of his said, uh, most people you see the, the best aspects of them the first time you meet them and thereafter everything you

0:55:06 - 0:55:22 learn about them just degrades your impression of them. But the best people are the opposite where your first impression is nothing compared to what you learn over time. They just keep getting better, the more you know about them. Um You could know someone for five years, 10 years, 15 years and they

0:55:21 - 0:55:39 surprise you in a good way. That's, I've talked about hidden holiness. That's an example. There are qualities that are so deep and profound that you will absolutely not see them unless you spend a lifetime with somebody and they're good things. It turns out they were driving the, the tractor the whole

0:55:39 - 0:00:00 time, but they're really deep uh, facets and anyway, all right, uh, last point here I don't want empty dating. And so my advice for that is don't tolerate it then. So you, you can't prescreen that. So you, well, you can, to an extent like you, you probably don't want to pick up the ladies on Tinder,

0:00:00 - 0:56:25 right? Or at a bar. But um and of course, that that really limits your options then because you absolutely shouldn't date people from work. That that's a disaster waiting to happen in the modern era. But um if you can find places to meet ladies outside of those three places and they're willing to go

0:56:25 - 0:56:48 on a date with you and they're not so unattractive that you would worry about um fertility issues. If, if the opportunity arose, then maybe you should give it a shot just once and see what happens on one date. And uh if you don't have a good time, then don't call her back. It's not a, it's not a big

0:56:48 - 0:57:15 deal at all. Take it from the guy who did this 200 times, right? So, um but if you don't want empty dating, then again, the first thing to address is whether you're bringing your end of the bargain or not. So, um you have to become a prize worth the trouble. And only then can you disqualify people who

0:57:15 - 0:57:41 don't get that? You're a prize? Um, and it's, it's kind of that simple, right? So once, once you realize that you're not in this to get something out of her, but in order to give the most to her, then you can sort of let go of this idea that you need something from her or you need her at all. And that

0:57:40 - 0:58:05 is a, uh, good position to have because it lets you focus on really selflessly finding the woman who, um, makes the best use of what you bring to the table for her and for others. And it lets you have high standards. So if, if, uh, you can tell that she's gonna be really limited in the benefit that she's

0:58:05 - 0:58:27 willing to receive from you, you move on to someone else, but I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mention that you said you're 34 and unfortunately true or not, you know, there's always extenuating circumstances, but women are going to rightly assume that there's something wrong with you if you're

0:58:26 - 0:58:47 34 and you've never been married, uh, or you're divorced, right? Um, because the first question they're gonna ask is why hasn't someone else bagged you? And if you have a really good answer for that, that's obvious, like I've been in medi medical school my entire adult life and now I make $3 million

0:58:47 - 0:59:08 a year and I'm ready to start a family. They probably won't mind that so much. But if you work at the comic book store and, like, I don't know you at all. Right. But if you're like, well, I've spent the last eight years of my life working at Cafe Rio and, um, growing a neck beard, then they're going

0:59:07 - 0:59:32 to properly dismiss you. Right. They might accept a free meal before they do so at Cafe Rio where hopefully you get a discount. So jokes aside because you know, it's life and it's, it's, it's not a laughing matter in some ways, but sometimes you have to take things lightly um because you either laugh

0:59:32 - 0:59:58 or you cry, right? Um So it's super important for everyone guys and gals to be realistic about what they're bringing to the table and to be realistic about the fact that life is a time limited game. And so, you know, if I were a single guy, I absolutely positively would not date any woman over 30 period

0:59:57 - 1:00:28 . I'm 39 right? So I'm on the older end of things to be saying that maybe, but the reason is that I know that the greatest benefit I could provide has to include kids. It has to and I also know very well what happens when a lady doesn't have that growth experience at a youngish age, like twenties. And

1:00:27 - 1:00:48 uh that's not something that would be, you know, worth the trouble to use words that were in this comment. Right. They, that might have been my words. But anyway, the idea of something being worth the cost, it's not worth the cost to me because I know what happens as a woman gets older and, um, it's

1:00:47 - 0:00:00 no mystery to me and the greatest value that I can impart has to include things that can only happen in a woman's twenties. So if, if I were single and um I could not find options where that was true, then I would just be single and I would pivot to making the world a better place in some other way.

0:00:00 - 1:01:40 And there are many options for a good man, right? So, um yeah, that's, that's kind of my two cents for this. So a lot of what we do, I guess the first version of this slideshow was to married men and then I got a comment from a single guy. So maybe this one's to the single guys. Um A lot of what the

1:01:39 - 1:02:04 criteria that are employed in this and also just the, the, the visualization of the situation is based on illusions that are false. And so the greatest, um the greatest path of success in something is to be realistic and honest and to know what it's really like and um to put the most important things

1:02:04 - 1:02:29 in the most important places and from what I've learned so far, and I don't doubt that there's, there are better perspectives. Um It would seem that this is a game where the question is, what is the greatest good that I can do in this situation? And in order to find, um, a woman, you know, if you're

1:02:29 - 1:02:52 a man and you're looking for a woman, uh, to marry, it's the question is, um, what do I bring to the table? And what would the woman look like? Who can do the most with that? Who it would bring the most joy to and who could use that to radiate joy to others, primarily her own kids? Right? And this let

1:02:52 - 1:03:16 me circle back to this idea that why I wouldn't be interested in anyone over 30 you know, with the, with the money I make and the things I know and the person I've become with a woman, the absolute greatest impact I can have on the world is through having as many kids as we can mutually handle. And uh

1:03:16 - 1:03:36 we could set up a very, very unusually good environment for them to grow in and nothing can compare to that. I've looked, I've tried harder than anyone I know to find anything else that would compare and I have failed to find it and, and the nearest things are not even close, they're not even comparable

1:03:35 - 1:04:07 . And so, but I know that I could not do that with someone who was not in their early twenties and who had never been in a chain of serious relationships with a man she would be, have to be like the rarest person on earth to make the most of what I could provide for her. And so, you know, I guess thankfully

1:04:06 - 1:04:33 there aren't a lot of guys in that position, uh because the, it's ridiculously high standards, but um, it's good to know what you're up against because you don't have to have illusions about chasing down some other thing or needing something and it's free. right? So wherever you are, you just need to

1:04:33 - 1:04:57 know where you are and the realistic expectations of what is out there and the realistic expectations of what you need to do to find it and to be worthy of it. Right? And some gates that you walk through in life disqualify you from other gates in life. So those are all things again, not specifically

1:04:57 - 1:05:09 to this gentleman who is kind enough to make the comment. Um but these are just general principles in life, they're extremely difficult to hear and that makes them all the more worth saying.